dontfearthe (dontfearthe) wrote in deists,

Here is my story. I was raised Catholic from birth to age 18. However, my mom was Catholic and my dad's family was protestant, United Methodist. Actually just my grandparents were. My dad never showed any interest in church. So as I grew up I felt like all the other Catholics were enjoying something that I couldn't. Looking back on it, I never felt like I fit in. Church always seemed like a "show" to me, and not the truth. So when I was 17 or 18 I went to retreat for Catholic teens, called Teens Encounter Christ. And I saw the other teens there, reacting to videos from Michael W. Smith showing the crucifixion. They were all crying. I couldn't cry. I didn't believe it. As the weekend went on, I felt so lost, that I convinced myself that I was a Catholic. I told my confessions and cried and came out of the whole weekend miserable, brainwashed and jaded. And for some reason I was pissed at everyone. As I got older (19-20) I tried various "Christian" groups thinking that making Catholicism just wasn't for me and I was really a Christian. Well, even though those groups made me feel good because everyone was so nice, it felt like another "show." I tried again to make myself be Christian, make myself believe. But it didn't work. Every time I'd talk to non-Christians I felt like I couldn't really support it because I didn't really believe it (Christianity). In fact, it still feels like a show. When people go around asking me if I'm saved, I can't help but first think it's a colossal joke and secretly laugh in my head at them. Then I sort of change the subject because I know they will judge the non "saved" or try to "save" them. I still think it's ridiculous, especially the Christian universities. So here I am, not sure what I believe. I don't know why I can't believe the Christian way, something about it just doesn't seem right. It seems like a show or something a person convinces themselves of. So that's pretty much my story. Still lost. No good arguments for any religion.
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